Time To Be Honest

Ok so I guess it's time for a bit of honest talking. To myself as well as you all. It's not going to be pretty but I hope that some comfort and strength can be taken from it.

Two years ago next month I had a huge wake up call given to me.  I'm so grateful for it despite how horrid it has and will be for my youngest.  You see Valentine's Day 2015 Thing 3 was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  Whilst lying awake anxiously awaiting results for her in hospital I 'awoke' to what I was doing to myself and why. 

For years I had been omitting my daytime injections to help me to lose weight and maintain, what I thought and had been led to believe, was the perfect body image.  I knew of the risks but to me at the time image was more important than my health. So so stupid.

Research since my awakening has led me to believe that I have a form of diabulimia, an eating disorder distinguished by the omitting of insulin and controlling of food intake to help lose weight. This condition is still not widely known about but it can do so much damage if not recognised early.  I learnt very quickly how to take just enough insulin to avoid the hospital and all the questions and accusing looks.  I realise now that they weren't accusing but rather empathy and offers of help and concern. 

Each time I got pregnant I would be seen weekly by the dual team.  This was perfect for helping me to take care of myself AND my baby.  I would eat properly and take all of my injections, despite the huge amounts needed by the end.  The issue began after the 8 week check up post natal.  I would be handed back to he community team which usually meant the GP and nurse.  Due to the high volume of patients they have to see it was very easy to get lost in the system, intentionally on my part or not.  The beast would rear it's head once again and I would go back to my old ways.  Looking back now I realise how incredibly stupid that was but at the time it was very hard to control or even stop.

Comments from friends and family on how quickly I had lost the weight, how well I was looking and how amazing it was that I had achieved the dream of losing the baby weight so quickly only spurred me on.  There was always the thoughts of just a few more pounds, just until my tummy was flat, or just until my legs resemble legs and not tree trunks.  Thoughts that weren't voiced, for if they were I'm sure someone would have disagreed and tried to stop me.  Not that they would have managed.  My stubbornness and need to rebel against authority aided the diabulimia, keeping the beast talking in my ear.

I was diagnosed aged 9 and hit puberty soon after.  This brought with it all the usual angst of perfect image. By 12 I had mastered the balancing act with my insulin.  This continued all through my teens and my twenties, only stopping with each pregnancy.  I was 31 when Thing 3 was diagnosed, making it the best part of 20 years before I 'woke' up! I still struggle keeping the beast quiet now, especially seeing I do need to lose a few pounds now to help with the horrid conditions triggered by my naivety and stupidity.  Speaking up and telling not only my team but my close friends and family, particularly my husband, has been the biggest help.  Online forums and groups provide the sympathetic support needed when times get tough.  But the biggest help for me personally has been Thing 3.  Showing her what she needs to do as well as how to behave long term means I don't want to pass any of these horrid habits on to her. 

She is my saviour, hero and life line. I don't know where I would be without her.

Sorry for the emotional sappy bits.  This is me and I'm proud of who I am now, no matter what size I am or what I look like. I'm a mum, wife and friend first and foremost.