Lying here late at night, some 4 months since my last post, I'm wondering why? Not just the little things like why have I not written since, despite having plans to and even sorting a plan of action. Or the semi big things like why does my teenager look at me sometimes like I'm talking a foreign language or why does my tween insist on arguing with me over whether her room is tidy or not. Nope I'm wondering why I was such a major fool in my teens, and twenties and took such a major risk. Originally I was going to own up to this on here after many more posts introducing myself and my world a little more but sometimes you have to just dive right in.
In my not so knowledgeable youth I quickly discovered how easy it was to manipulate my condition in the name of vanity! It started, I think, when I hit puberty and due to the need for ever increasing amounts of insulin I gained weight, mainly on my posterior and hips. This led to bullying with comments like 'lard arse' and teasing. I know crazy huh, especially seeing I'm now proud of my J-lo bum. I soon learnt how much insulin I needed to take in order to avoid being admitted to hospital but that allowed my sugar levels to remain high, causing silent damage to myself, which is now becoming apparent and I'm sure there is still more to come. After that every time I 'needed' to lose weight I would decrease my insulin, suffer the short term side effects of short breath, thirst and tiredness, and watch the weight literally melt off. I have since learned this is classed as an eating disorder called diabulimia. Even now I struggle with the fact I need to lose 4.5 stone for my health, but doing it properly is slow and a struggle. The demon voice is shouting to return to old habits, sometimes it's so loud it is deafening. 😣
As a result of my ignorance and stupidity I now suffer from issues that may or may not be repairable now I'm healing my insulin abuse. My feet hurt constantly, the severity and type of pain just alters according to my activities and the weather. My legs and arms hurt due to nerve damage, my hands and feet are constantly cold, and my eyes have sadly not avoided the damage. More on all of this and more in the future.
The big question is still why? Was it really worth it just to fit that pretty dress or to be able to wear all the nice clothes and they actually fit properly. This is a hard one to deal with, especially late at night like this.
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