Time To Be Honest

Ok so I guess it's time for a bit of honest talking. To myself as well as you all. It's not going to be pretty but I hope that some comfort and strength can be taken from it.

Two years ago next month I had a huge wake up call given to me.  I'm so grateful for it despite how horrid it has and will be for my youngest.  You see Valentine's Day 2015 Thing 3 was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  Whilst lying awake anxiously awaiting results for her in hospital I 'awoke' to what I was doing to myself and why. 

For years I had been omitting my daytime injections to help me to lose weight and maintain, what I thought and had been led to believe, was the perfect body image.  I knew of the risks but to me at the time image was more important than my health. So so stupid.

Research since my awakening has led me to believe that I have a form of diabulimia, an eating disorder distinguished by the omitting of insulin and controlling of food intake to help lose weight. This condition is still not widely known about but it can do so much damage if not recognised early.  I learnt very quickly how to take just enough insulin to avoid the hospital and all the questions and accusing looks.  I realise now that they weren't accusing but rather empathy and offers of help and concern. 

Each time I got pregnant I would be seen weekly by the dual team.  This was perfect for helping me to take care of myself AND my baby.  I would eat properly and take all of my injections, despite the huge amounts needed by the end.  The issue began after the 8 week check up post natal.  I would be handed back to he community team which usually meant the GP and nurse.  Due to the high volume of patients they have to see it was very easy to get lost in the system, intentionally on my part or not.  The beast would rear it's head once again and I would go back to my old ways.  Looking back now I realise how incredibly stupid that was but at the time it was very hard to control or even stop.

Comments from friends and family on how quickly I had lost the weight, how well I was looking and how amazing it was that I had achieved the dream of losing the baby weight so quickly only spurred me on.  There was always the thoughts of just a few more pounds, just until my tummy was flat, or just until my legs resemble legs and not tree trunks.  Thoughts that weren't voiced, for if they were I'm sure someone would have disagreed and tried to stop me.  Not that they would have managed.  My stubbornness and need to rebel against authority aided the diabulimia, keeping the beast talking in my ear.

I was diagnosed aged 9 and hit puberty soon after.  This brought with it all the usual angst of perfect image. By 12 I had mastered the balancing act with my insulin.  This continued all through my teens and my twenties, only stopping with each pregnancy.  I was 31 when Thing 3 was diagnosed, making it the best part of 20 years before I 'woke' up! I still struggle keeping the beast quiet now, especially seeing I do need to lose a few pounds now to help with the horrid conditions triggered by my naivety and stupidity.  Speaking up and telling not only my team but my close friends and family, particularly my husband, has been the biggest help.  Online forums and groups provide the sympathetic support needed when times get tough.  But the biggest help for me personally has been Thing 3.  Showing her what she needs to do as well as how to behave long term means I don't want to pass any of these horrid habits on to her. 

She is my saviour, hero and life line. I don't know where I would be without her.

Sorry for the emotional sappy bits.  This is me and I'm proud of who I am now, no matter what size I am or what I look like. I'm a mum, wife and friend first and foremost.

  

Loneliness

It's funny you know. You could be in a really crowded room and feel totally alone. As a child I always thought if someone was lonely they had no one to talk to or see. I have since learned you can have family and friends who truly love and adore you within easy reach but if you are in any way feeling down or depressed you can feel all alone.

We fight it when it hits, we try to ignore it if we can. We push it way down deep and hope that if we cover it with food, drink, or some other distraction that it will go away.  What is the best way? Should we ignore it? Or should we find a healthy way to cope and even relieve it?

Human beings are meant to be with other human beings. For comfort, companionship, and mental health.  But surely if we learned to be happy in our own company too we would improve our mental health too?  But how do we go about that?

I'm sure that there are plenty of self help books out there, blogs and vlogs etc all with their own brand of advice.  But this pool of 'support' is so vast where does one begin.

Is it possible to be happy but lonely at the same time? After years of putting up a wall and hiding even from myself I have forgotten what the true me is like, what makes me happy, what makes me sad and everything in between. In fact I wonder if I ever knew! So where do I start in answering these many questions? Is research on the Internet the answer or is more research into myself?

Looking back through this post maybe I should retitle it 'the list of questions!'

If you have made it this far I thank you very much and I hope I haven't wasted your time or bored you too much. It's funny the thoughts that run through your head I guess.

The depth of it all

Lying here late at night, some 4 months since my last post, I'm wondering why? Not just the little things like why have I not written since, despite having plans to and even sorting a plan of action. Or the  semi big things like why does my teenager look at me sometimes like I'm talking a foreign language or why does my tween insist on arguing with me over whether her room is tidy or not. Nope I'm wondering why I was such a major fool in my teens, and twenties and took such a major risk.  Originally I was going to own up to this on here after many more posts introducing myself and my world a little more but sometimes you have to just dive right in. 

In my not so knowledgeable youth I quickly discovered how easy it was to manipulate my condition in the name of vanity! It started, I think, when I hit puberty and due to the need for ever increasing amounts of insulin I gained weight, mainly on my posterior and hips. This led to bullying with comments like 'lard arse' and teasing. I  know crazy huh, especially seeing I'm now proud of my J-lo bum. I soon learnt how much insulin I needed to take in order to avoid being admitted to hospital but that allowed my sugar levels to remain high, causing silent damage to myself, which is now becoming apparent and I'm sure there is still more to come. After that every time I 'needed' to lose weight I would decrease my insulin, suffer the short term side effects of short breath, thirst and tiredness, and watch the weight literally melt off.  I have since learned this is classed as an eating disorder called diabulimia.  Even now I struggle with the fact I need to lose 4.5 stone for my health, but doing it properly is slow and a struggle.  The demon voice is shouting to return to old habits, sometimes it's so loud it is deafening. 😣

As a result of my ignorance and stupidity I now suffer from issues that may or may not be repairable now I'm healing my insulin abuse. My feet hurt constantly, the severity and type of pain just alters according to my activities and the weather. My legs and arms hurt due to nerve damage, my hands and feet are constantly cold, and my eyes have sadly not avoided the damage.  More on all of this and more in the future.  

The big question is still why?  Was it really worth it just to fit that pretty dress or to be able to wear all the nice clothes and they actually fit properly. This is a hard one to deal with, especially late at night like this. 

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