It's amazing how you can make all these plans to be more organised, to partake in an activity more regularly, to share and be more open online and off, yet life either gets in the way or the routine never surfaces. I say this because I promised myself I would blog more. I wanted to start this blog more as a release for me, somewhere to vent, to blow my own trumpet or even just keep a record of persistent thoughts. Pretty much like a written diary or journal. However due to many reasons I'm sure, but of none I'm conciously aware, I have failed at the first hurdle.
My biggest obstacle has to have been my self esteem and the nagging little devil voice on my shoulder saying "no one wants to read what you have to say!" But I don't know if I'm bothered too much by that now. I have grown a lot in the past few months. My mental health has improved and I'm learning to accept who I am, what my limitations are and who I should be concerned about. This has come about through necessity really. Necessity to reduce stress, conserve energy and adapt to changes in my life.
This need arose as a result of accepting my health is no where near what it used to be, and miles from what an early 30's woman should be! Five years ago I deteriorated dramatically, suffering increasingly from tight stiff muscles and joints, fatigue, insomnia and increasing pain levels. No matter how much I slept, ate well or paced myself during the day my ability to even keep up with my then 3 year old when walking, became increasingly difficult. I went to visit my GP after putting up with these, as well as many other symptoms, for weeks thinking it was just a 'virus' (otherwise known as GP speak for 'We don't know!'). Thankfully the GP took me seriously and instantly sent me for blood work to be done whilst also referring me to see a rheumatologist at the local hospital. Long story short after a process taking almost a year, several different tests and examinations, I walked out of the clinic with a diagnosis of Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disorder (UCTD for short), a new prescription for several different medications to hopefully help and a "sorry not much more we can do. It's not curable!" Basically my immune system yet again has decided my body is some rogue virus or bacteria that needs fighting and destroying. Growing up with Type 1 Diabetes I was always told I had a weak immune system, but with this new diagnosis surely it's too strong and active? At least a part of me is!
Over time I have learnt what I can and cannot do. More than 1 load of washing a day means early to bed. If I have an outside engagement coming up, where I need to be alert and functioning, then for at least a day before I need to do very little. Walking has become a torture device and anything more than a mile a day (in total) means full pain medication and the need to hide and cry an hour later. Simple tasks take me twice if not three times as long and my three gorgeous children have now had to pick up the slack at home and do the basic cleaning tasks. I have even been known to ask my middle child (eldest daughter) to help me shower and wash my hair! Not what I envisaged their childhood to be I can assure you.
The need for all this help doesn't do much for your mental well being. The only way I have found to cope is by finding the positive in every situation. I have reduced the guilt of not being an active, 'normal' mum, doing everything with and for my angels, by reassuring myself that they have a healthy empathy towards others, especially those in unusual circumstances. Also they will leave as adults knowing how to survive, look after themselves, cook, clean etc. How many times have you heard of young adults struggling at university due to the sudden need to run a house, budget and survive!
Another positive to being sofa or bed bound has been the love of all things yarn related I have found. I adore creating new things for those I love, seeing their faces when I give them that cuddly toy for their new baby, or a blanket to mark a special day like a wedding. Between looking for inspiration, choosing the materials and curling up to start my creation, I get excited and look forward to each and every stitch. As a left hander the likes of YouTube and various blogs have been a god send when it has come to learning new things. My best craft to date has to be crochet, done using a yarn or thread and a single hooked needle. In essence crochet is the art of knotting the yarn one loop at a time to create whatever your heart desires. From dishcloths and shower scrubbies to king size blankets (afghans) and cuddly toys known as amigurami.
Yes having a chronic condition, and more recently being diagnosed with another in the form of secondary fibromyalgia, has changed my life in many ways. But they have allowed me to appreciate the small things; the flowers that I may have missed if I had been walking hastily, trying to fit more into my day, the change of the weather, with the sun breaking through the clouds, the sounds of nature as it continues on despite human interruption. Even the little things my family does each day have become more noticeable as I watch on from the side.
I guess the message I want to leave you all with is that no matter how bad things may appear, focus on the positives no matter how small and you will be surprised at what else you may notice. Oh and of course the positives are much better for you mental health too!
